Winter
by BelleEpoque17
Summary: Cold, yes, but sparkling. Desolate, maybe, but beautiful. I like the cold to a certain extent - when I'm in a warm space. So I can look out and enjoy it. See all the beauty from a safe enclosure.


**Disclaimer: what is even the point of this?**

"I love winter."

The breeze carried her whisper to his ears. Her eyelashes swept the delicate skin of her lower lids, and she took a deep breath, inhaling the chill scent of the snow. She had folded herself up, a dark landmark on the endless expanse of white all around her.

"Why?" he asked quietly. The distance between them seemed to stretch for miles. "Cold. Dark. And - sad." He meant the death of her mother, but didn't dare speak of it directly. She was at peace right now, she didn't need him to deepen the wound.

"No," she shook her head, but didn't turn to look back at him. "Cold, yes, but sparkling. Desolate, maybe, but beautiful."

_Like you, Kate_. "I don't like the cold."

"I do," she said, but even as she spoke, she shivered and wrapped her arms more tightly around herself. "I love the cold," she said as if to remind herself.

He fell silent and hovered several feet behind her with his hands in his pockets. The cemetary was empty and pristine with a layer of new-fallen snow. The only evidence of a sun was the pale lemon glow flickering across the eastern rim of the sky. True daylight would not arrive for at least another hour.

She had called him early, when the flickering glow was little more than a blue breath in the black sky.

_"Castle."_

_ "Kate? You sound sleepy."_

_ Her voice was low and warm, a honeyed quality to it, like she had recently been dreaming. She shrugged off his observation without comment. "I'm sorry, I... I know it's early..."_

_ "No, no, what's up?" he said immediately, raising himself on his elbow. The covers fell from his shoulder, and the air immediately chilled his exposed skin. "What do you need?"_

_ She sounded embarrassed. He pictured her standing in front of her window, looking down on the street below her, one arm folded across her waist, the other tucked under her long, tumbling hair as she cradled the phone to her ear. "Can you...come?"_

_ "To your apartment?"_

_ Silence indicated that she was thinking, a soft intake of breath indicated a decision. "No, to the cemetery. You know -"_

_ "Yes. But Kate - are you sure you want to...?" He let the question hang, allowing her to make of it what she would._

_ "I ...yes." Her voice deepened even more; was she crying?_

_ "Are you okay?"_

_ "I'll meet you there. Take your time." And then she had hung up, leaving him to scramble for all sorts of possibilities. _

"Do you want to talk?" he asked gently. It had been a good five minutes since either of them said anything.

She turned, seeming at a loss for anything to say. Wordlessly, she moved toward him and held out her hands. They were bare, pale with cold, and delicate; but her fingers were stiff. He took them in his own hands and pulled her even nearer, raising her slender wrists to his lips and kissing them gently, watching her all the while to see if she would object. She said nothing; her eyelids slid closed and she exhaled a cloudy white sigh.

"Is this all right?" he asked aloud, fighting every instinct that told him not to break the spell, to stay quiet.

"Yes," she breathed.

"You like the cold," he pointed out between feathery kisses to her skin.

"To a certain extent," she answered, opening her eyes again, but not meeting his gaze. "I like it when I'm in a warm space. So I can look out and enjoy it. See all the beauty from a safe enclosure."

He slipped his arms around her waist and held her, swallowing back his sprinting heartbeat when she pressed her palms to his shoulderblades in responsive gesture. "Warm space?" he mumbled, tripping over his own tongue. "Is this all right?"

In place of an audible reply, she nodded, hiding her face in the soft navy blue scarf he was wearing. And then, she moved her hands to lie flat on his chest, resting them above his traitorous heart. He wanted to see her, so he hooked a finger under her chin and lifted it, wavering when he saw the tears drying on her cheeks. At once she lowered her head again, ashamed.

"Kate, please tell me," he begged. "What's wrong? Did I do something?"

"Nothing," she said, steadily enough. But then, "Everything," and it was on the end of a choked sob.

"Kate." His heart broke in ways he didn't think possible. He held her closer, stroking her hair, suddenly fighting back tears of his own. If there was anything he could do, anything he could say, to make the hurt stop for her, he would...she just had to tell him. "Kate, what have I done to you?"

"No," she protested hoarsely. "It's not...it's not you. I don't... Rick," she hissed through her teeth, for once unable to get the better of herself. "Would you - kiss me? No," she amended. "That's wrong, it's selfish."

"I'll kiss you, Kate," he said, bewildered. "But only if you want me to. I honestly don't understand."

She pushed away from his embrace and stood lonely in the snow, arms crossed defensively. "I lied to you," she said, softly but clearly. She gestured to the space between them, to the few feet of ground separating them. "I heard you when you said you loved me. I lied, and I've regretted it every day since." Her face contorted with pain and apprehension.

He had gone still at the first words from her mouth. They registered vaguely, and he had to some extent been expecting something like this, but it still knocked the air out of him to hear her say it aloud. Without a thought, he wheeled and strode away from her, ignoring the burn that had suddenly ignited in his chest.

But he hadn't gone more than a few paces before he stopped, sighed, and returned to Kate. She was staring at him in faltering alarm, small and trembling amid the endless tombstones.

"There's no reason not to hate me," she said bitterly as he drew closer. "I understand if you'd rather just walk away forever. I don't deserve you, Castle, I -"

"Shut up," he growled, and kissed her. Kate was too shocked to respond; she stood frozen and confused as he pressed his lips to hers. He broke away seconds later, angry and breathing hard. "Why?" he demanded.

She struggled to gather her wits. "I... was afraid. Stupid; or maybe not. I can't... Everyone I love... I lost them. And I was broken and scared, and I didn't want to lose you, too, but that's not the point. What I did was wrong. But I do... love..."

He didn't supply the words; he stood and waited for her to say them on her own.

"But I love you," she whispered. "And that's why I had to tell you."

"I knew," he said flatly. "I wondered for so long why you didn't tell me. It hurt."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry -"

"Good news is," he went on, "It gave me plenty of time to forgive you."

Her eyes darted upward. "Are you going to leave?" she said, trying to keep her voice steady.

"I hope so," he answered. "It's freezing out and I have a warm bed waiting."

"Will you stay?" she asked, then clarified when he looked ready to comment. "With me - with - the NYPD?"

Castle looked at her for a long moment, his expression unreadable. Then he reached out and took her hand. "I'll stay with you," he said quietly. "And I'll stay with the NYPD."

She let out a breath. "I was afraid -"

"Kate, I am not going to waste four years of waiting. Did you think I'd run out on you just because I got my feelings hurt?"

"No, I only thought -"

"I love you, do you understand? I love you beyond the limit of words. And when you love someone, you've got to expect to get hurt every once in a while. For now, though?" he allowed himself a small smile. "It's good to know that you love me, too."

"I do," she said. He kissed her fingertips, watching her with bright eyes. "I love you, Rick."

**I know that it certainly won't happen like this on the show, but it was fun to play around. However, I do hope that Castle will be angry at Kate, at least for a little while, when her secret comes out. I feel like he has way more justification than she does. He's keeping his secret to keep her safe. She's keeping her secret to...what, play with his feelings? Save her pride? Obviously in the end they'll just make up and make out, but it would be nice to see Castle show some backbone. He's always the first one to admit he's wrong and ask for forgiveness. Feel free to weigh in with your thoughts on the matter. **


End file.
